What I am about to share with you, my fellow man, will impact your relationship with your wife or girlfriend like no other advice will. It has taken me six years of marriage for the penny to drop but I have finally figured out how to earn that number 1 spot in your lady’s life without spending much money. Before we begin however, there are certain ‘terms & conditions‘ that need to be remembered before attempting any of the below relationship advice:

  1. All women are what my son terms, “same same, but different“. This means that even though women are in fact all wired the same, they possess the ability to somehow change depending on what they’ve eaten; or how emotional the Telkom talking babies advert has made them feel; or if you haven’t replied to a Whatsapp message within half a nanosecond.
  2. Women are a highly complex, intricate and fascinating species. Sometimes I imagine Sir David Attenborough narrating the arguments my wife has with me like a death scene from a nature program. I am always the prey.
  3. Lastly, women are highly unstable unpredictable so never ever think you have the upper hand. Always tread lightly and proceed with caution.

“…women have complicated scoring systems and you need to abide by the rules or risk being kicked into touch quicker than Luke Watson…”

The Points System

Every action you do or don’t do, as a male, goes onto a giant invisible score board that each women has in her head. This scoreboard lives in the same part of a woman’s brain where she possesses the superhuman ability to never, ever forget.

Here’s where things get really ridiculous interesting: each positive thing you do or buy for your lady, be it a new dishwasher, a sparkly new watch or simply making the bed, is worth one single point. Yup, that’s right, ONE point. Points are not proportionate to the amount of money you spend.

This is where you can score though. By simply making the bed, a quick cup of tea, and packing the dishwasher in the evening – I score 3 points. If I add something special like actually making her dinner, not only do I score another point for the meal, but when she goes to work the next day and tells her friends how amazing it was – I score points again. Be cautious however, if your wife happens to work with your mate’s wife. If your mate has not done anything special for his lady recently, and she is now hearing from your wife how amazing you are, then he will actually LOSE a point while you are gaining points. Not cool to throw your mate under the bus like that, bro.

As guys, we are like Morne Steyn – we put in one great performance each year (typically her birthday) and expect to be in the starting lineup for a big test match. Refer to point 2 of the T’s & C’s above – women have complicated scoring systems and you need to abide by the rules or risk being kicked into touch quicker than Luke Watson each time he opens his mouth.

Here’s another absolute gem that is almost always overlooked by each guy – compliment your partner. I’m not talking about slapping her backside and winking at her, I’m talking about genuine heartfelt, soppy stuff here. Tell her she looks good but use words like, ‘radiant’ or ‘gorgeous’. Make sure your timing is good though as you don’t want to tell a woman in the morning that she looks radiant, after you have slept like the dead and she has gotten up 5 times during the night to attend to a crying child. You will surely be scorned.

Spontaneity is your friend and you will more times than most, wind up looking like a movie hero. Surprise her with flowers; take her out for a coffee during a lunch hour; book two movie tickets and arrange a baby sitter for a date night. Even if it takes more planning than the siege of Normandy, if you make it look like a spontaneous surprise, you are bound to get bonus points as well. Kind of like hitting a 6 off a no-ball in cricket.

In short, explaining the Points System is not unlike explaining the rules of rugby to a woman – she doesn’t understand the rules and will tell you that it’s just plain silly that the players tackle each other. Regardless, those are the rules and you have to abide by them. It’s the same here. Don’t bitch or moan about it, gents. Suck it up and actually BE a better man to your significant other consistently, and don’t buy your way into her good books once a year – it’ll never last.

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